What’s so great about being in Police Beat?

This is the seriously true story of a boy named “Lucky.”(Known as such due to his uncanny resemblance to the cereal character Lucky Charms.)

Lucky, a college sophomore, really liked to ride his mountain bike. It was fun.

One day, Lucky was riding between Altgeld and Lowden Hall, turning left on the road towards the Lagoon. Lucky, with dreams of being the next Greg Lemond filling his head, didn’t stop at the stop sign as he took his left turn. Lucky had disobeyed a traffic rule that even applies to bicyclists.

Luckily for Lucky, there was a nice, important, law abiding man in a puke green and white car watching his outright avoidance of a national law.

We’ll call this man Officer U. R. Weak.

So, in his bright green car, Officer Weak turned on his bright red lights and pulled Lucky over. After all, it was the right thing to do. Officer Weak was the epitome of responsibility.

Lucky was then pulled over and given a ticket in front of many giggling passersby. (Lucky’s friends all wish they had seen that.)

Lucky went to court, and was fined $79. As summer went by, Lucky never paid that fine he found so silly. Officer Weak didn’t like that. So, Officer Weak’s friend, Mr. State Trooper, decided to pay Lucky a visit.

Unfortunately, the only one home was Lucky’s roommate, Q-Tip. Q-Tip was scared because he was not the most honest citizen himself. Mr. Trooper was looking for Lucky, however. Q-Tip sure was Lucky. (This is getting trivial and confusing.)

The whole point to this story is that as you can tell by each week’s Police Beat, DeKalb is a very strange place when it comes to crime. (I know I won’t rest until I know who killed Pinky the mouse.)

Lucky was eventually arrested, including being fingerprinted and having his mug taken. Yes, all for a bike ticket. The cop even came back the next morning to arrest him, until Lucky showed the officer he had paid the fine and was off the hook.

Lucky didn’t make it into Police Beat. This was a shock. Of course, for those people who experienced Police Beat last semester, you know Lucky’s story is nothing among the ranks of calling cops “donut-eaters”, jumping up and down in front of someone’s window wearing a hockey mask or walking into a house and turning on the microwave, but as Lucky can attest to, cops don’t take anything too lightly around here. That’s scary. This is DeKalb, isn’t it? Where corn is king and you can always tell when it’s plantin‘ time by the sweet smell in the air?

People have to wake up and stop doing such mindless and stupid things. It’s pretty sad when the Police Beat section is funnier than “The Far Side.”

While I’m all for laughing at others without them knowing it, it’s a bit disturbing that people are doing this kind of stuff over and over again. It’s as if they have this dream of being in the blotter.

If the wacks out there really want to be in Police Beat, why don’t they just steal a bolt from Farm N’ Fleet like everyone else? After all, the average five-finger discount seems to be $1.67. Some people never learn.