n a scene midway through "Son of the Mask," a baby is stuffed into a cannon. Various rockets and bombs are stuffed around him before the cannon is lit, sending the baby hurtling into the air where he explodes into a firework pattern of the American flag.

This scene is animated and involves the family dog. Also, I am told, "Son of the Mask" is a "kids’ movie."

To people like director Lawrence Guterman, dubbing a film a "kid’s movie" gives the film permission to be imbecilic, boring, stereotypical and flat-out offensive.

Tell me this: How does a child feel when he sees the lead character in a "kids’ movie" tackle his wife, grab her by the neck and slam her over and over again into the living room floor?

What message does this send to children in a "kids’ movie," especially one about a husband learning how to take over "husbandly duties" (i.e., becoming the breadwinner, handing parenting duties over to the wife, acquiring a job title respected by society, etc.)?

Tim Avery (played by Jamie Kennedy and named after animator Tex Avery) works as a tour guide at an animation studio. Tim’s an animator and desperately wants his own show, but he just doesn’t know how to pitch it. He’s also not very good at animating much of anything - another tiny problem.

Tim’s wife, Tonya, has a respectable job at a corporation. But like every working woman, she desperately wants a baby. She believes tour guide Tim will make a fine father. Yet Tim wants nothing to do with children. Enter important coincidence A.

The family dog finds the infamous green Loki mask floating downstream in a local creek. He brings the mask home to Tim, who eventually wears it to the company Halloween party. But this is a magic mask, and wearing it makes the individual attempt his or her best Jim Carrey impersonation (in actor Jamie Kennedy’s case, worst impersonation). Cartoon Tim leads the crowd in a silly music video, then goes home to knock up his wife.

Note to children: When you knock up your wife as a superhero, you will have a superhero baby.

So the baby is born with unusual powers that only Tim notices. Tonya leaves town, leaving Tim to take care of the superbaby.

Things go really bad - not because Tim is a bad father but because his son hates him and wants to drive him into an insane asylum. In turn, the family dog hates the baby because he’s, well, the family dog.

Oh, right, the God of Mischief really needs his mask back and kills a bunch of people trying to get it. He also knows a baby has been born with his powers, and he wants to find the baby. Which he does, and the superhero car chase follows.

"Son of the Mask" is not a movie for kids. It’s insulting to them, and one of the worst movies anyone will ever see in a movie theater.

It proves that writing for children is one of the most difficult tasks for a screenwriter. While it may seem impossible to most, you can grab and hold a child’s attention through words and story. A film with heart can be more pleasing than seeing a main character drenched in urine.

Children also identify with real, normal characters who don’t make weird faces or shoot anything. If that’s a bit too difficult, fantasy can be smart. Just look at "The Incredibles."

"Son of the Mask" is not worth any more of my time. It is definitely not worth any of yours.

A colleague asked if I liked the film, and I said no. He asked if I would bring kids to the movie. I don’t have any kids. But if I did?

How about a book?

The first lady of The Inc Records returns to prove her musical maturity in "Concrete Rose."

Ashanti’s music combines R&B (soft, sensual, beautiful, like a rose) and hip-hop (hard, solid, like unbreakable concrete).

Featured artists include T.I., Lloyd, Ja Rule, Shi Shi and 7 Aurelius.

This is Ashanti’s third album since her debut in 2002.

Tracks like "Only You" and "Wonderful" are already hits on the radio.

About eight of the 16 tracks are hot because of the beats and lyrics, not to mention Ashanti’s improved vocal performance.

In the past, a signature Ashanti track would be a redundant song with a catchy beat and simple lyrics.

She’s only 24 years old but has earned acclaim like Aretha Franklin.

That may be a stretch, but she is on her way to what could help her earn that comparison.

To say she has come with her "A" game and realized she couldn’t get away with another track like "Oh, Baby" would be the best way to describe Ashanti’s best work yet.

No matter how many movies are made about pets and people ("Lassie," "That Darn Cat," "Paulie") there is a human fascination with man and animal that will continue to provide material for years to come.

And in my opinion, there can never be too many dog-and-kid-movies. Or maybe I’m just an overzealous dog lover.

Either way, like heroine Opal’s friendship with Winn-Dixie, you won’t be able to leave this one behind.

In this story about a preacher’s daughter, India Opal (played by 10-year-old AnnaSophia Robb), moves with her father (Jeff Daniels) into a trailer in Naomi, Fla. Her relationship with him is overwrought - she calls her father "The Preacher" - and her mother left for unknown reasons when she was just 3 years old.

Opal is lonely as any little girl can be - not only is her home life depressing, but she also can’t seem to befriend any of the kids in town. But one day, The Preacher sends Opal on an errand to the grocery store where she meets a mischievous, scruffy shepherd. She names him after the store - Winn-Dixie - and the two become best friends instantly.

Opal’s friendship with Winn-Dixie does wonders for the little girl as she now has someone to go on adventures with, confide in and take comfort with - a relationship any pet-owner can relate to.

Opal begins to become friends with Naomi’s quirkiest inhabitants, who are somewhat lonely themselves. These characters are as strange as they are touching, and a delight to watch.

Miss Franny, (Eva Marie Saint) is an old, bachelorette librarian who needs no more than the company of books and has a collection of candies called Litmus Lozenges (the factory kept the town going years ago) that aptly captures the taste of sorrow.

Gloria (Cicely Tyson), an old woman that neighborhood brats call "The Witch," has a spiritual view on her past and hangs her old whiskey and beer bottles from strings on a giant tree that keeps her "old ghosts" (past mistakes) away.

And the most surprising character is Otis, (Dave Matthews), a pet shop keeper who served time and fittingly is a musician who sometimes plays music on his guitar for the animals to enjoy. (Yes, he plays a song in the movie but tells a story to it more than actually sings.)

"Because of Winn-Dixie" is worth a viewing for its impressive cast alone, but its story is even more uplifting and inspiring. Granted, Robb doesn’t always deliver her maximum potential in the more dramatic parts of the movie, but she’s a little sweetheart worth watching.

If you like pets, had a crummy childhood or just like coming-of-age stories, check this one out. It doesn’t overload on the saccharin and leaves you feeling satisfied like a Litmus Lozenge.

Five days before the scheduled March 1 release of "Frances The Mute," The Mars Volta will hit Otto’s Niteclub, 118 E. Lincoln Highway.

Sort of.

In conjunction with Weekender and Universal Records, the venue will host a premiere party for the band’s second full-length LP.

The event will begin at 10 p.m. in the Underground with a concluding time yet to be determined.

Otto’s will play "Frances The Mute" in its entirety as well as several Mars Volta videos.

In addition to providing the music for the evening, Universal Records will give away Mars Volta posters and raffle off a copy of 2003’s "De-Loused In The Comatorium."

"This will be a huge treat for fans of The Mars Volta, because not only will they be the first on their campus to hear the new record, but they'll also see the video for ‘The Widow,’ which is quite interesting," said Scott Kawa, Universal Records college and lifestyle marketing representative.

The group’s sophomore album comes nearly two years after the critically acclaimed debut and almost four years since At The Drive-In split to form Sparta and The Mars Volta.

Before I saw "Constantine," I considered it one of the biggest blunders in the fashionable trend of comic book adaptations.

Only Hollywood would cast one of the flattest actors imaginable to play a character so complex and captivating that he literally bleeds off the comic book panels he inhabits. Fortunately, I was wrong. The movie "Constantine" was not only salvageable, but ultimately enjoyable.

Make no mistake, Keanu Reeves is horribly miscast in the role of John Constantine. The role calls for a blonde-haired, middle-aged Brit, and Reeves is not any of those things. Fortunately, Reeves manages to pull off the elements that have made John Constantine so enjoyable in the comic book, capturing his sardonic wit and indignant air. Another preserved comic book quality is Constantine's "devil-may-care" attitude, which gives Lucifer himself a run for his money.

Even after 200-plus issues of his own series, "Hellblazer," John Constantine remains a mystery. The movie dumbs down some of the complexity surrounding Constantine, but it still carries his moral ambiguity.

As a child, Constantine can see both divine and demonic forces gridlocked in conflict in the shadows of everyday life. After a botched suicide, Constantine is dead, but only for two minutes before he is resuscitated. Those two minutes are enough to get him barred from heaven. As a result, Constantine spends the better part of his life sending offending demon half-breeds back to hell in an effort to get on God’s good side. And it doesn’t seem to be working.

Soon, Constantine is embroiled in a plot involving police officer Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz), the apparent suicide of Dodson’s twin sister, Isabella, and the machinations of both the sadistic demon Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale) and the equally ruthless Gabriel (Tilda Swinton).

While the movie perfectly captures the atmosphere of the Vertigo/DC Comic, the plot is somewhat poorly stitched together. All of the scenes are rather enjoyable, but they don’t always fit together in a cohesive manner.

In the latter half of the movie, Constantine wields a fire-breathing shotgun, a mystical weapon that loses all appeal after it is fired a few times. Also, the gun downplays Constantine's ability to outsmart his adversaries, which is really the crux of the movie. Later sequences involving the holy shotgun look more like "Blade" than "Constantine." Fortunately, Constantine loses the weapon by the film’s enjoyable and unorthodox climax.

Overall, "Constantine" is an enjoyable movie that is neither disposable nor profound. The character of John Constantine is a compelling mix of self-serving cynicism and self-sacrificing bravery. It is a motif that only the finest comic book writers can maintain, and only time will tell if a "Constantine" film franchise can be just as successful.

To disconnect is to detach oneself from something or someone.

For California boys Goldfinger, "Disconnection Notice" is their fifth album, and it leads to a bit of disconnect in regard to who they are.

No experimentation produces the same old thing time after time, which is a lesson learned by many.

This album consists of some hardcore-punk and pop-punk.

Goldfinger created hits and misses, but a few songs seemed to belong on a Simple Plan album.

The first single, "Wasted," is a good jump-around-and-push-the-person-next-to-you song, with catchy lyrics and beats.

"Behind The Mask" is catchy and resembles a No Doubt hook.

Most of the lyrics make it seem like singer John Feldmann has had a recent heartache and felt the need to share it with everyone.

On "Ocean Size," Feldmann whimpers, "I never asked for your little games or all your guilted shame." Insert teardrop now.

Feldmann begins "Damaged" with an eerie wail that continues throughout, like he is shivering from the cold.

A constant annoyance is how the band tries to put political views into polite and cute songs.

Fans have heard better from Goldfinger.

Deus ex machina, literally translated, means "god from the machine."

"It was used 2,500 years ago by ancient Greek thespians and it is still used today," said Tracy Nunnally, tech director of NIU Theater of Art and Dance.

The Deus ex Machina served as a device to bring the intervention of the gods into a play, primarily when characters were in desperate need of alleviation.

Nowadays, it refers to a rig or flying system and the person who operates it - the theater’s tech director.

In the case of the newly relocated Lookingglass Theatre, that man is Bill Auld, an NIU theater graduate student.

Auld is one of the first graduates of Nunnally’s revamped graduate theater program and a high priority on Nunnally’s program, actor-rigging.

"There are only between one or two hundred individuals in America qualified to fly actors," Nunnally said. "And there’s an even smaller amount who know how to do it well."

NIU hosts the world-renowned "Flying Effects Workshop" each year, which attracts tech directors who have worked for Disney and Cirque de Soleil productions, among others.

Nunnally’s rigging experience was what originally attracted Auld to NIU, and NIU’s proximity to the city also put him in close contact with the intimate Chicago theater scene.

"There are only 20 people working the Chicago theater scene at any one given time," Auld said, "and there’s only one or two degrees of separation between them."

And it’s precisely by that nature that Auld’s prestigious tech director position at the Lookingglass Theatre was secured.

The Lookingglass Theatre, with celebrity founders including David Schwimmer and Phillip Smith, has recently relocated to a space in the Water Tower Works Building, Chicago. The previous tech director left in a lurch, Auld said, and the Lookingglass Theatre was searching for someone with experience in actor-rigging to work on their production, "Lookingglass Alice."

One small connection led to another, and Auld’s name ended up in the lap of the Lookingglass administration. His experience was comprehensive, being in some way involved with every NIU theater set for the past two years, touring Japan with a theater company, working with the Flying Circus in Atlanta and on various other projects around the country and, most importantly, simply being well-versed in his trade. He was given the job of co-tech director in time for the "Alice" production.

"Auld takes the biz as seriously as it has to be," Nunnally said. "You have to be serious, but you also have to learn how not to get a brain hemorrhage when you don’t have to."

Auld teaches two classes at NIU and recently helped tech-direct the Molière sets for the NIU theater department as well as "Lookingglass Alice." He knows how to keep it calm, cool and composed, which is just the way he was trained to be.

Students will get a chance to donate to a cause as well as enjoy some rock music with a Tsunami Relief Concert at 7 p.m. Friday at the Holmes Student Center’s Diversions Lounge.

The Beta Mu Chapter of Sigma Alpha Iota is organizing the show. Bands confirmed to play include Second Star, The Buzz Spectors, Protosaur, Super String and Steven Bartholomew.

"We have the Diversions Lounge booked from 7 p.m. to midnight so bands will get a chance to play for about half an hour," organizer Jon Walter said.

The show started as an idea for a philanthropy project for Sigma Alpha Iota. According to its national Web site, www.sai-national.org, the SAI Philanthropies, Inc. is the "charitable arm of Sigma Alpha Iota ... Its mission is to promote all aspects of music creation and encourage music for and through the music on campus."

The band Protosaur plays at the SAI house from time to time and helped spread the word about the concert to other bands.

"We organized the event through the Internet and word of mouth. We put information in our profiles online and shared it with our friends," Walter said. "We want to help out [with the Tsunami Relief] as much as we can."

Second Star hails from Arlington Heights and released its demo Feb. 18. Its punk sound draws comparisons to The Early November and Something Corporate.

Since 1996, The Buzz Spectors have evolved into a punk pop band. Its last record, "Attacked by Ninjas," was released in 2003.

The event costs $5. All proceeds will benefit the charity "Music for Tsunami Relief."

Today’s just like any other day-well, sort of.

You leave for class early enough so you’re not rushed. With pride in your stride, you make your way toward class, carefully observing the scene around you. It’s a great time to people watch, but an even better time to run into people you know (which could be a bad thing).

Slowly as you walk toward the Cole Hall bridge, you have a choice: Do I go left, or do I go right?

It’s a simple decision to say the least.

Going left looks just as exciting as going right, but suddenly someone catches your eye.

Coming from the right is Tina, an old friend from freshman year and by chance, Todd, an old friend from grade school walking closely behind.

Suddenly, your decision has been made: you’re going left.

This situation isn’t one limited to walking to class-it’s a natural occurrence if you shop at Walmart during normal hours or frequent other hot spots in the area. It also happens when you and an old friend and are both taking the same class. Do you sit next to each other, or are you both just strangers in a sea of your peers? Do you acknowledge those people when you see them at the bar, or do you go about your business and conveniently look the other way.

So, a question to those who, like me, would opt to go left: Have we as people become afraid of who we have become? Are we afraid of who we used to be? Or are we just avoiding the awkward "hello" in passing that used to be so much more?

We all have friends and acquaintances we can put in this category. It’s those people who used to be the ones who frequented your cell phone call logs more than your family, but now barely frequent your phone every few months.

When did these friendships turn into dodge sessions? Are they still considered friendships?

Meeting new people is a natural part of life. But, growing mature and getting older doesn’t necessarily mean you have to forget parts of your life because of where you’re at today.

These type of relationships are ones that’ll last forever. Sure, they might not be as good as they were before, they are still relationships many don’t wish to actively acknowledge but will know will always be there.

Next time you come to that bridge, that class or that aisle, be the bigger person. Go right instead of left. You won’t know what will happen unless you try.

Views expressed in this weekly humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. If you have comments or a question, send them to [email protected]