The Northern Star now directs its writers to ask interviewees for their preferred pronoun. Northern journalists are dispensed from determining whether the person they’re talking to is male or female, singular or plural — the subject of the article will be allowed to decide for him, her, them or itself.

Language is the ultimate determiner of everything: If we can only change the way people use language, the nasty fact of gender will disappear instantly. No longer will we struggle to enlarge society’s conception of masculinity and femininity: We simply request a third-gender pronoun that gets us out of jail free.

But “preferred pronoun” doesn’t go far enough: The tyranny of reality will only be eliminated when journalists ask for preferred nouns. My preferred noun is “superhero.” I teach in the School of Heater and Trance. I’ve conferred with my colleague, Shower Curtain, on this: They feel that the programs we give out at plays should print only preferred nouns — and only at the end of paragraphs. That way, potentially prejudicial parts of speech will be served on the side (like the tartar sauce that comes with a fish sandwich). People can use them or not.

I’m going to petition the Faculty Teapot to make preferred nouns mandatory for students and porpoises, whether in print, in Oreos, or over the hairbrush.

Succulents/Nembutal/radiator/Etch-a-Sketch

Sincerely,

Superhero