PASS

French government Nutells it like it is

Despite an outcry in support of the chocolate and hazelnut spread, the French Senate passed the “Nutella Tax,” a measure that would triple the tax on palm and some other vegetable oils in the hope of cutting down on obesity.

Which is great because up until today, we thought Nutella was a health food. Based solely on the label, we deduced the main ingredients of the beloved spread to be a glass of milk, a bunch of whole hazelnuts, a dash of cocoa and a nondescript yellow flower with dew dripping off its leaves.

Apparently, the most prominent ingredients are sugar and palm oil. Seriously? We’ve been putting that stuff on our toast every morning before heading off to the gym. We’ve been eating that stuff straight off our fingers while ellipticaling. We’ve even been eating it inside the quintessential healthy snack, the Nutella crepe.

So thank you, France, for bringing to our attention the unhealthiness of an overpriced jar of hazelnut chocolate.

But Frederic Thil, the head for France of Ferrero, which makes the spread, told Le Parisien newspaper that the recipe won’t change and the lower house of Parliament still has to vote on the tax.

So rest easy, teenage girls on Tumblr, Instagram and Pintrest: You’ll still have something to do weird things with.

FAIL

Chan-Tate named year’s ‘sexiest man alive’

After scrutinizing the sex-appeal of the entire living male population, People Magazine has named Channing Tatum the “sexiest man alive” for 2012.

We’re slightly alarmed by People’s undisclosed method of data gathering. Sources confirm that every living man was not alerted by the well-known anthropology magazine that their crack team had been investigating their status as suitable living mates.

Further, we doubt very much that the mag would award such a prestigious title without taking into account all relevant data. So we must wonder how People magazine gained insight into each living human male’s personal sexiness without committing a serious breach of privacy.

Does People magazine have the right to your personal count of pheromones, sperm cells and mitochlorians? Are those sexy sonnets you write in your composition notebook free to become People magazine’s scientific data? What about your sexy cynical observations on daily life that you make on first dates? Or that sexy dance you do in front of the mirror to Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract when you get out of the shower? We don’t think so.

“Y’all are messing with me,” the 32-year-old actor said upon hearing his new accolade. We regret to inform you, Chan-Tate, that the only thing People magazine is messing with is the U.S. Constitution.