Since the dawn of the automobile, people have had dream cars.

Lamborghinis, Ferraris, Maseratis, Corvettes, Mustangs, Vipers, Skylines and Bentleys often top the list. They shine in the sunlight and glow in the moonlight, too fast to cast a shadow and too beautiful to look at for extended periods of time.

Turn the key and a lion roars under the hood. Hit the gas pedal, and you’ve set the beast free. At the top of the food chain, the jungle king prefers to dine on Smart Car and Prius.

An afternoon drive in one of these marvels of modern engineering is sure to put the relationship into perspective. It is the master; you are simply along for the ride.

But you’ll never see me behind the wheel. Why? Because speed is great. Power, better. But the ability to drive through a river, house, grocery store and mountain in the same day is second to none. No amount of pretty paint can compensate for a lack of brute strength and toughness.

My dream car, the Toyota Land Cruiser, has plenty of both. The mutant cousin of a monster truck and a late 90’s SUV, the Land Cruiser has been at the forefront of off-road technology for many years. My ideal model has a four inch lift kit, giant mud-running tires, a snorkel for water crossings, full body roll-cage and shatter proof windows.

It is the final word on trucks, and the envy of every “Doomsday” preparer. However, fulfilling this dream will prove to be much more difficult than simply walking into a dealership and picking out my color.

Finding a used Land Cruiser for sale is like finding a talking unicorn with two heads. Cars.com currently has zero listing for a used Land Cruiser in the entirety of the United States. I used to sell Toyotas and found the lack of used Land Cruisers strange. Not a single one? Not even a busted down shell from the 80s?

The reason, as rumored by the Toyota sales staff, may surprise you. Foreign governments and diplomats buy every Land Cruiser they can get their hands on and convert them into armored personal carriers. Drug lords are especially fond of them, as they make getting to hidden poppy fields a breeze. The demand is so great and the eventual customers so wealthy, that some trucks sell for upward of $300,000 in the right market.

Remember now, these were car salesmen telling tall tales over coffee. The explanation above should be taken with a BIG grain of salt.

My friends often tease me about the lack of speed and beauty in my dream car. To be fair, it doesn’t have the Lamborghinis curb appeal. My reply is simple: “Beauty is skin deep. And as for speed, remember two things. First, if the race happens to be through a house or forest, the Land Cruiser wins every time. Second, if you are important, people will wait.”