Parker Happ

I know that Trump endorsed Mittens for the GOP Nominee. I also know Donald Trump. That Apprentice ratings can stay gold for only so long and Trump’s book, Time To Get Tough – which boasts a Dick and Jane sized font and content equally as insightful – needs sales in turn requiring running for Donald. From the book, “We’re being humiliated, pushed around, disrespected, and badly abused. Obama was a leftist experiment that has failed…and everyone knows it. Even friends of mine who voted for the guy privately admit that he’s been a huge disappointment,” he wrote in his book.

Mr. Trump, first off, he’s the president, not “the guy.” Second, legislation is not an experiment, it’s politics. Our centrist Democratic president needs compromises, maybe some that your friends regret, but are necessary. Otherwise the alternative is government pointless debt ceiling debates, government shut downs and no workable federal budget for fiscal year 2012. Just as Romney’s real name isn’t a winter hand accessory, Trump’s real endorsement isn’t Mitt. No, it’s Donald Trump, and our anti-intellectual, politically uninformed, prime time TV loving public is to blame.

 

Dan Martynowicz

I love the “Republican Primary.” It’s seriously the best reality TV, ever.

‘Mericans like Newt Gingrich, the bro married his high school math teacher only to leave her 18 years later for his second wife. His second marriage lasted another 18 years until he allegedly asked her for an “open relationship.” Wife 2.0 said no, resulting in a third wife. Talk about upholding American values, this guy is a real role model.

Plus, the dude has some epic ideas. I’ll just say the first one that comes to my mind.

Moon colony.

Holy cow dude, I know we claimed the moon for the US of A when we took the jet there back in the 1960s, but why don’t we have a colony there yet? I mean, seriously.

Is it because every major scientific community thinks his promise of an American moon colony by 2020 is impossible largely based on the fact that the United States does not currently possess a vehicle capable of landing on the moon? Is it because both Bushs proposed the exact same thing and ‘lil bush spent $9 billion designing a moon base plan? Who cares, it makes for great reality TV.

Wait, what? These people actually want to be President of our country? This isn’t reality television?

Friends, we have issues.

 

Linze Griebenow

So far, I’m finding that a common error among all Republican presidential candidates is their failure to address issues outside of Earth. I felt as if no one was representing my deep affection for funneling tax-payer dollars into future moon colonies, until I laid my eyes upon burly Newt “Lightyear”’ Gingrich. “Buzz,” as I like to refer to him, offers a promise we can all believe in and strive for: galactic moon life. Not only will this practically eliminate America’s weight problem, it will also provide jobs for thousands of hard-working Earth-dwellers who dream of something more. By Buzz’s second term, it is possible we will all be enjoying sweet, sweet moon candies and playing Float Ball. As an untapped resource, Gingrich’s promise can only stimulate economic growth by expanding the tourist and entertainment industries. “To Catch A Predator” and “Cheaters” will have special moon editions and yuppie college students can get wild on a lunar spring break. If only other candidates could see the rational, educated thoughtprocess that went behind Gingrich’s decision, Americans and mole-people alike could untap other resources, such as the molten-hot core of the Earth or under the sea. Until then, we wait.

 

  Taurean Small

The Republican candidate race this year has been a joke, but my choice for least favorite Republican candidate would have to go to Newt Gingrich. For his hostile demeanor, controversial campaign and classless attacks thrown at his fellow Republicans, Gingrich has proven that he is the ringleader in this political circus. And besides just being an unlikable guy, his only notable ideals for the Oval Office is to colonize the moon and to tell the African American community they should “demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps.” On behalf of every African American and extra-terrestrial being: Newt, you will never get our vote.