Follow the Gospel of Toiletiquette


Follow the Gospel of Toiletiquette

By Aaron Brooks

Slow down! You forgot to wipe your butt.

I know you just came from across campus and have class in one minute, but an extra 30 seconds of proper bathroom etiquette will not ruin your college career.

I will first explain three general rules of bathroom etiquette, followed by two rules applicable to females, and then one for males.

General Rule No. 1: Throw your garbage away. I fully admit that I am guilty of breaking this rule all the time, but I am working on it. After I wash and dry my hands, I have yet to muster the willpower to deny the opportunity to shoot a fade-away three from the door.

Even though the majority of the time I score, leading to an imaginary Game 7 victory in my head, when I do not, I am too disheartened from the loss to go and pick up my trash. Broken window theory can be at play here, since I see other trash on the floor and think, what does it matter? So, to solve this problem, let us make sure we all go for the dunk.

General Rule No. 2: Wash your hands. Females are most likely not inclined to litter because of a jump-shot, but for hygienic reasons. Junior biology major Caitlyn Coen, “[Because some females do not wash their hands] a lot of females like to open the door with a paper towel [which ends up on the floor].”

So, to cut down on the litter in the bathrooms, we all need to wash our hands. Even if you do not feel compelled to wash your hands, at least do it out of common courtesy. I washed my hands to get my junk off, but now since I opened the door, I got your junk on my hands.

General Rule No. 3: Flush. Are you proud of what you made? Is that why you left it in the toilet? I do not want to see your dinner from last night, and if pulling a handle is too complicated for you, I think NIU’s daycare might have an opening. And if you went number two, you should have flushed halfway through anyhow.

Female Rule No. 1: Dispose of your tampons. I have had nightmares ever since undecided sophomore major Isabel Ponce told this to me: “There are special receptacles, but some girls do not care. Tampons are left in the toilet, or thrown in the corner.”

When Ponce told that to me, it shattered all preconceived notions of women’s bathrooms. I figured it would be spotless, with couches and flowers, not a minefield of used tampons. Come on, women! If you are not going to be cleaner than men for bragging rights, at least be clean enough were the janitor does not need a Hazmat suit.

Female Rule No. 2: Keep your purses off the floor. This rule is especially important considering Rule No. 1. If you put your purse on the floor, your purse will pickup germs from the floor. Then when you go to class, if you put your purse on the desk, those germs are on the desk. And then if I fall asleep in class, those germs are on my face.

Granted, it is a good reason to stay awake, but now I am too scared to even touch my desk.

Male Rule No. 1: Obey the every-other rule. The every-other rule has been unspoken male tradition since the beginning of time. Recently, I have noticed that some males are unaware of this tradition.

Yes, there are urinals side-by-side, however, half of those urinals are only for spacing purposes. And it is not that I am homophobic, do not like you as a person or that I do not want you peeing next to me; it is just tradition. So, if there are not enough urinals to accommodate the rule, just wait 30 seconds and someone will be done.

These are the laws of the bathroom. All of which are fundamental to our ‘scheme of ordered’ peeing and pooping. If followed they will lead to a happier and healthier student body, because nothing makes you sicker or sadder than having to deal with someone else’s crap.