‘Who moved my cheese?’

By Brayton Cameron

At the risk of alienating all my vegan friends and contemporaries, I am going to make a rather bold statement – I like cheese.

I’m not going to spell out why I like cheese; I think that’s unnecessary. But I will say there are some cheeses I like more than others, and one such cheese is cheddar. I’m not sure if this has something to do with the color, the taste or the fact I grew up in such close proximity to Wisconsin; but I do love cheddar cheese. Of course some of us are aware of the double meaning of cheddar and while I like that, I would rather use it to buy cheese.

Due to my devotion to cheddar and my not-so-secret love of sandwiches, I often enjoy eating sandwiches with cheddar cheese on them. This is pretty simple so far, but it’s about to get much harder.

I arrived at the local Subway one day and wanted to have cheddar cheese on my sub. The kind and well-informed employee told me this Subway no longer carried cheddar cheese. I was aghast.

When your favorite item from the menu at a restaurant is removed or when a company no longer produces a consumable good you like, you may experience feelings similar to what you would feel if you woke up next to your significant other one morning and found they no longer had a head. Sure, you shared some great moments, but it will never be the same, mostly because he or she has no head. I don’t care how you may claim not to be superficial; this is a huge adjustment to make. Of course you might be into that sort of thing and I’m overreacting. In the words of Lenny and the Squigtones, “She’s got a great body, so who needs a face?”

As I am a concerned citizen of these great United States, I went ahead and wrote a letter showing my disappointment and asked why the powers that be over at Subway headquarters would get rid of the cheddar cheese. While on the Web site, I thought I’d take a look at the Frequently Asked Questions page, or “FAQs,” for a few trivia facts.

For example, did you know you can’t buy bread with your soup or salad because the bread is made solely for the sandwiches? Seems kind of like a waste of bread to me. Also, a child need not be present if you want to purchase a kids meal. Strangely enough, Subway spokesman and “weight-loss hero” Jared Fogel took part in California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s unprecedented Summit on Health, Nutrition, and Obesity.

The final and most alarming fun fact comes directly from Subway’s own FAQ page. “The acronym B.M.T. stands for Biggest, Meatiest and Tastiest. In the early days of Subway restaurants, it was a promotion that was based on the Brooklyn Manhattan Transit that went along with the subway theme.”

Forgive me if I play dumb for a minute and wonder how a certain big, meaty sandwich has anything to do with a transit system. We have a big, meaty sub which gets its name from either the submarine, which is a long, hard cylinder, or the subway system in which a long, hard train goes in and out of tubes all day. I get the feeling there is a joke here, but I’d rather you find it on your own.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the views of the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments to [email protected].