Eyes up here, buddy

By Brayton Cameron

Editor’s Note: Every week, rain or shine, Chris Strupp brings you Struppendous Advice which makes all of our lives a little bit better. Except for this week. Unfortunately for those of you who wrote letters to Chris seeking advice, I will be sneaking my never ending wisdom down your throats the way a lubricated piston moves in and out repeatedly in its cylinder.

There is a creepy “non-traditional” student who sits in front of a very attractive girl I’ve never talked to in our class and he sneaks a peek of her breasts every time he turns around. Since I’ve never talked to her I haven’t said anything up to this point, but now he’s starting to creep me out. What should I do?

The simple answer would be to gouge his eyes out with your thumbs and make sure he’s never sneaking peeks at anyone again. However, that isn’t very gentle or socially acceptable, which will more than likely look even worse than the actions of Johnny Peepers. I suppose it would be best for you to tell the girl about it and see if she minds. As you have never talked to her it is hard to say whether or not she likes the extra attention that she is getting from Eyeballs McKenzie. While I certainly wouldn’t want some older man drooling all over my dirty pillows, I cannot speak for all people. Who knows, they could be dating after all,and in accordance with our society’s male chauvinistic views on dating, she would be his property anyway. In short, don’t be a wimp. Just talk to her.

I heard 3 Doors Down is coming to NIU. I want to go, but I am afraid that people with think badly of me. I guess my question is, does anyone still like them?

To be completely honest, yes, people still like them. In fact, there are plenty of people who are still fans of the band. After all, they sold more than 12 million albums. If one were to calculate the amount of people who returned the album, we can assume they sold at least 7 million albums.

Anyway, if their live show is anything like the geriatric parade for the video “Kryptonite,” I would say you have to go. Indeed, I cannot think of anything better than a bunch of old wrinkly bodies in revealing superhero costumes running around on stage in front of amps so loud they could knock their frail near-cadavers over into the audience for the body surf into the next life. Now I call that excitement. In the end, your question is completely legitimate, as the Convo has a tendency to book acts several months, sometimes years, after the height of their popularity. We could say they missed the boat. Nothing we can fault the Convo on completely; I’m sure they have their reasons. Regardless, rumor has it they are in talks with getting Dean Martin to play. Before the talks are through, I hate to inform you that Mr. Martin is no longer with us. Ain’t that a hole in the boat.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to bcameron@northernstar.info.