“xXx: State of the Union” features opening credits that hint at the plot much like the old James Bond picturesque credits. But don’t look for meaning in this 007-wannabe – it’s about as well crafted as 2002’s “Die Another Day.”

And wouldn’t you know it – both were directed by Lee Tamahori. If “Die Another Day” is any indication of what you’re in for, get out of the theater while you have the chance.

“State of the Union” is hardly entertaining, hardly thrilling and only funny when it’s trying not to be. Is this what super-spy movies have come to?

The original “xXx” featured the ever-so witty and subtle Vin Diesel as Xander Cage, an extreme sports enthusiast able to surf, snowboard and perform far-out stunts while chasing baddies trying to wreck the government.

Diesel must have thought he was too fine of an actor for a sequel, (perhaps busy delivering a Razzie-worthy performance in “The Pacifier”) so Cage is dead and NSA Agent Augustus Gibbons must find a new xXx.

Apparently, Secretary of State General George Octavius Deckert is planning some convoluted plot to kill the president and Gibbons knows the damage Deckert can cause since he served under the tyrannical four-star general in Kosovo.

Gibbons needs to go “off the grid” for this assignment, and he figures nobody is more extreme than prisoners – so he visits Darius Stone (Ice Cube), a fellow Navy S.E.A.L. who also served under Deckert.

As Gibbons broke Stone out of prison, I started to ignore the phony-looking action sequences and kept wondering how Ice Cube would really make a passable super-spy. As bad as Vin Diesel’s acting may be, he passes well as an action star.

Yes, back in the day, Ice Cube was one bad mother as a rapper in N.W.A. But let’s be realistic – I just saw him get hosed by two kids a few months ago in “Are We There Yet?”

Stone and Gibbons start to figure out Deckert’s plan to overtake the capitol and assassinate the president. Deckert has corrupt men protecting the president and most of Washington D.C. wrapped around his pinky.

Ice Cube hooks up with buddy Zeke (Xzibit) who runs – what else? – a car shop and plans a rescue mission with D.C.’s roughest thugs and thieves.

Will the new xXx save the day?

I think you know the answer. But as painfully obvious as it may be, it’s not nearly as painful as sitting through this clunker.

Where to begin? The script is horrible – its only good lines come from Tupac verses.

The action is more like “oh jeez” rather than “wow!” with booming and fake slugs, yawn-worthy shooting scenes and blow-ups about as scary as burning a snake on the Fourth of July.

Nobody can save this movie, much less this debacle of a franchise.