That old Neptune Conspiracy

By Brayton Cameron

Students wake up daily inside a building with a secret.

They brush their teeth, shower and get ready for classes, while more students sit, study and eat without realizing the Neptune penis conspiracy.

Who would have guessed a residence hall was constructed to avoid the appearance of a phallus? Rumor has it, Neptune South was not constructed to avoid the aerial appearance of said genitalia.

Historically speaking Neptune was the Roman god of the sea whose Greek counterpart was Poseidon. Zeus, Poseidon’s brother, paved the way for the Greek God’s to rule Olympus by tearing off the phallus of his father, Cronus, and casting it into the river. This myth shows the importance the phallus has to Neptune and how the two should not separate.

Students are deprived of a larger, more luxurious residence hall because of the possible embarrassment the university could feel as a result of a penis-shaped building that only aircrafts could appreciate.

“[My room] would have been better if it were bigger. I saw the Neptune North rooms, and they are gigantic,”said Dave Setiawan, a biological science major and former Neptune resident.

Considering the university’s love of symmetry, it is safe to assume the size of the nonexistent Neptune South rooms would be “gigantic” as well.

One would think having a penis-shaped building would be a small price to pay for “gigantic” rooms and happy residents. However, this is not the case, as the integrity of the university was compromised and caused Neptune South not to be created.

All of this is rather odd considering that right next to Neptune is the Holmes Student Center, a building which is often called the “Giant Phallus of DeKalb.” It is certainly evident that this building has a phallic shape as it is tall, slender and possesses a tapered tip. Strangely enough, the plans for this building were not censored and the building was constructed. There are even rumors the student center was named after adult film star John Holmes.

Considering the rumors of anti-penis attitude, it is amazing more campus objects were not subject to equal scrutiny.

The student center, the piece of art outside of the Stevens Building, or the fountain itself, could be considered subjects. While on the subject of the fountain, I could understand if Neptune North was constructed, the “tip of the penis” would have ended up next to the fountain, which would leave a rather erotic impression.

Together we have probed the penis problem and come up with contradictory views.

I hope you all stay on the balls of your feet and keep a stiff one eye open for new conspiracies.

Views expressed in this weekly humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send questions or comments to