According to NBC, the average cost of a 30-second Super Bowl ad is $3.5 million. I would imagine this puts quite a bit of pressure on advertisers to hit the correct demographic. Thomas Oates, assistant professor of journalism, told me about a game his mother taught him; when you watch commercials, try to figure out who the advertiser thinks you are.

For example, while watching a regular season NFL game I would probably see advertisements for Rogain, Viagra, beer and sports cars. This implies I am a bald, impotent, drunken, middle-aged man in need of a sports car. Presumably, I would also be a very sad individual.

The Super Bowl is Mt. Olympus for commercials, so what better opportunity to test the accuracy of the advertisers? In the interest of time, I’ve organized the ads into blocks and ignored standard NBC programming commercials. Trust me, you’re not missing much.

Commercial Block: New Budweiser Platinum beer with double the alcohol content, vampire with uber bright headlights, Elton John as a Victorian era Pepsi addict listening to dubstep.

Advertiser thinks: I am a hard drinking vampire in Victorian England with a serious need for Pepsi and soulless, remixed hip-hop.

Commercial Block: Dubstep milk chocolate M&M’s, Polar bears drinking coke with crossed fingers, man who survives the apocalypse in a Chevy with his dog, beautiful women painting each other for Go-Daddy.

Advertiser thinks: I am a chocolate eating, Coca-Cola drinking, Chevy driving polar bear who likes naked women. To be fair, the advertiser pegged me correctly in that last one. Bravo.

Commercial Block: Dog, having just murdered the house cat, buys his master’s silence with Doritos. Little boy pees in pool (commercial for a tax agency).

Advertiser Thinks: I’m a dog who pees in the pool, kills cats, does taxes and bribes superiors with cheddar flavored cardboard.

Commercial Block: Fat dog gets in shape to chase a Volkswagen Beetle… as seen in the alien bar from Star Wars. Coked up polar bears are back, but this time butterfingers KO’s all his little buddies while trying to grab the coca cola bottle.

Advertiser Thinks: I’m a clumsy, fat polar bear driving a Volkswagen. Also Star Wars fan?

Commercial Block: Valentine’s Day commercial implies that giving a woman flowers will seal the deal. Moon walking Pug beats Greyhounds at the race track. Dude with two heads buys a car while the creepy second head sings back up vocals.

Advertiser Thinks: I am a shallow gambling addict with two heads in need of a car.

Well folks, I haven’t been sold on anything yet but it has been entertaining. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s halftime, and I have money on this game. If Manning can’t pull this out, I owe my old man $5. Go Giants.