It’s Labor Day weekend, and how do I choose to spend my time?

Watching the worst movies ever created on Netflix’s instant queue, just so you don’t have to.

Shaolin Grandma

Rating: 1.5 stars

Takeaway line: “There’s a dead granny in this house!”

This movie takes the cake for the worst staged body combat I have ever seen. Granny is found dead by the mailman, along with the scrolls that tell her life story and struggle in the world of Shaolin Kung Fu.

Rubber

Rating: 2 stars

Takeaway lines: “Why was E.T. brown? No reason.” “This is real life; we have a dead body in there!”

This movie is centered around a group of people watching a psychic tire destroy everything in its path in the middle of a desert.

Yes. You heard that correctly. The movie is about a psychic tire that rolls around and kills things/people.

Troll 2

Rating: -4 stars

Takeaway line: “Nilbog? That’s ‘goblin’ spelled backwards!”

I couldn’t even watch this whole movie. The horrible beginning that parodied The Princess Bride’s beginning made me sad.

Both begin with a grandpa telling a boy a bedtime story. The only difference between Princess Bride and this movie is that, in this movie, grandpa’s dead and the boy is hallucinating grandpa telling a story. And then a bunch of carnivorous trolls appear.

…That’s it.

Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror

Rating: 1 star

Takeaway line: [censored]

The movie was half-animated, half-live action—and let me tell you, both were equally messed up.

At least one of the premises of this movie features a girl, who witnessed her parents kill/being killed, given the power of graffiti. After getting mad that a gang is spraypainting over her tags on a wall, she is given this magical paint where if she crosses off their tag, the owner of the tag dies violently and spontaneously.

Cowboy Junction

Rating: 0.5 stars

Takeaway line: “Is it true when they say that everything’s bigger in Texas?”

The premise of this movie is that a man has a sexual encounter with a cowboy, and viewers follow the male protagonist in his search of himself and which team he plays for. The protagonist’s wife, who has no idea about her husband’s cowboy fling and is generally sexually frustrated, tries to hit on the cowboy, to which the cowboy says, “I’m into cowboys, not cowgirls.”

Eventually everyone finds out about everyone else, and you can imagine what happens from there. I’ll give you a hint: There are a couple of murders.

If you have any time to kill and you want a good laugh—or if you want to trick your friends into thinking they’re going to watch the next cinematic masterpiece—watch one of these movies. I personally have no regrets.