The absolute worst gifts for Valentine’s Day

By Daniel Martynowicz

Valentine’s Day is a day of gifts and gift giving, but with the undertone of proving your love. It’s a lot like Christmas. The difference is that if you mess up the cookies, Santa always comes back. Your significant other may not.

This is a lot of pressure for anyone to contend with, especially those who are unsure what an appropriate gift would be. I’m no expert on candy and flowers. So rather than telling you what you should buy, I’m going to suggest what you shouldn’t buy.

1) Do not give high heels: High heels make her butt look good. They are also incredibly uncomfortable and nearly impossible to walk in. At least, um, that’s what I’ve heard.

2) Do not give weight loss products: No one likes being told he or she is overweight, and even a well meaning bathroom scale could set the stage for a Tiger Woods and his ex-wife-after-she-looked-through-his-phone fight. Similar fighting catalysts include Weight Watchers discount cards, a gym membership and diet soda. However, firmly atop this list is the diet pill “Hydroxycut.” “Baby, not only do I think you are overweight, I don’t care about your heart health.”

3) Do not give budget store chocolate: Chocolate is a wonderful thing. It’s delicious, melts in your mouth and has many health benefits. For this reason, you should never buy cheap budget store chocolate. It tastes like sugar-plastic, digests like broken glass and sends a clear message: “I love you, just not enough to drive to Fannie May. Also, this was on sale at Walmart.”

4) Do not give really expensive stuff: I’m not talking about a charm bracelet from Kay jewelers or a Walmart diamond, those things are fine. However, giving real silver, gold, diamonds and stock options in fortune 500 companies is a Mitt Romney Valentine’s Day. And no one likes Mitt Romney, not even republicans.

5) Do not give tickets for an Italian cruise: He/She might think you’re planning on jumping ship. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But seriously, don’t buy cruise tickets with Italian ship drivers. They play chicken with the shoreline.

And if you should find yourself single on this most romantic day of the year remember that love isn’t about candy, expensive stuff, dieting or high heels. It’s about having someone you can tell anything to, share a life with and be carefree around.

Happy Valentine’s Day.