The Grim Reaper. Six feet under. Kissing petunias. Sucking dirt. Worm food. Bought the farm. Bit the big one. Paid the final bill. Singing with angels. Meeting your Maker.

All of these expressions represent the one thing that most humans choose to ignore unless faced with the reality of it – death. Now you might think this is going to be a depressing column – well, au contraire mon frere, it is not.

I have been facing death on and off for the last few months because I work part-time at a nursing home. It really makes you think when you’ve been working for all of two weeks and you hear people saying that so-and-so expired. They what? Is there a date on their forehead? A person does not expire. Your meat from the grocery store or your milk expires, people die. It’s okay, just say it, they are dead.

People treat the word death and any form of it as a dirty, icky thing that should not be discussed because we, after all, are living. Well, I disagree. Death can be a very beautiful thing. When you see someone day in and day out suffering and then they die, you at least feel a little better knowing they are not hurting anymore.

We don’t like death because the pain someone is in leaves them and transcends to us. That is the wonderful part of death. It makes people feel. They feel and re-evaluate all that is important to them. Every once in awhile, we all need to be reminded what is important to us.

I am reminded every time someone dies at the nursing home that I should live and live as much as I can. In fact, every time I leave work, I fight the urge to just get in my car and drive to Disneyland or the Elvis Chapel, the two places I have to go to before I kick off. As the song goes,

Shalalalalala, I live for today.”

Death sucks, this is true, but it is a part of life that must be. In a society where we all run around like chickens with our heads cut off trying desperately to complete mundane, meaningless tasks, the last task of life we must complete is death.

When is the last time that you actually stopped to do something significant for you and you alone? And drinking yourself into a stupor last weekend doesn’t count – we all did that. When is the last time that you did something that counts? Have you thought about your immortality? That’s right, you are going to die and the only question left is when and how you will spend your remaining time. If you don’t, so sad, too bad, I have no sympathy for you, you’re a schlup.

There are about a bizillion jillion things people should do before they die and I have just a few suggestions:

— Kiss John La Tourette on the lips (hey, it’s every woman’s dream! Watch out at my graduation, Johnnie.)

— Be the editor-in-chief of The Northern Star so you can learn how stupid people really are.

— Meet Michael Jordan (self-explanatory)

— Pay low tuition (yeah, right!)

— Go to AmEx and play the Thursday night giveaway game. The bartenders (Panama Jackman, Marathon Mark, Married Boy Gerad, Kissing Boy Eric, Just Doug and my absolute favorite one, Glamour Boy Ted) are really cool, so tip them well. If you don’t drink, then just tip them and go away.

— Stop and smell the flowers (this obviously was written by some dumb liberal yahoo)

— Go over Niagara Falls in a barrel (if Woody Woodpecker can do it, so can you)

If you are still reading this column at this point, you have missed the gist. Put it down right now and go out and do something meaningful – NOW – after all, you could be dead tomorrow.

Me? I’m going to go scale the student center and streak naked through Lowden Hall.

See, I told you it wouldn’t be depressing.