Some deep speculation on our leaders

Yes, the two of us decided to get together and gang up on administrators and anyone else we could think of with any sort of clout at this school. It is Sabryna’s last column as editor in chief and Tina’s last column as Sabryna’s peon.

There are many things that pop into one’s head as they treasure the wonders of NIU. Tina and I were speculating (while at Paradise Club dancing in the cage—no, we don’t do product endorsements) the kind of underwear, we think, certain NIU administrators would wear (we can’t take credit for the idea, Marsha Brady did it first). After much debate and thought, we came up with this list.

‘NIU President John La Tourette—Well, we could imagine Mrs. La Tourette being seen at Walmart buying Days of the Week underwear. Go ahead, ask him what day it is and see where he looks to find out.

‘Executive Secretary to the President Anne Groves—What kind of undies does Anne wear? Whatever kind John tells her to.

‘Vice President for Finance and Planning Eddie Williams—He definitely is the camouflage, I’m-hiding-from-the-students-who-are-pissed-off-about-all-the- construction-and-my-obscene-tuition-fees underwear man.

‘Vice President for Student Affairs Barbara Henley—Boxers, of course. She needs to walk like a man. Not that she wants to be a man it’s just that she can’t help it since she’s the only one up there who isn’t one.

‘NIU Judicial Director Larry Bolles—When asked, he reportedly said, “Underwear, what underwear?”

‘NIU Legal Counsel George Shur—The man owns underoos, swear it, because he wants to be Superman or maybe he has John La Tourette ones.

‘Director of the Holmes Student Center Judd Baker—Tighty whiteys, he’s a little too straight-laced if you know what we mean (and Judd, we are not accepting inserts anymore so relax).

‘Board of Regents Chancellor Roderick Groves—He’s got undies with a big, big bullseye on the butt so everyone knows where to kiss.

‘NIU Provost J. Carroll Moody—He’s not a man of change, let’s leave it at that.

‘Student Regent John Butler—Black, satin ones that read “Home of the Sigma Nu snake.” We heard the fraternity is suing him to get those babies back. Aren’t you, Bill, Steve, Steve, Jeff and Greg?

‘Student Association President Abe Andrzejewski—A G-string is what Abe loves to put on after a cold shower. We heard he went campaigning door-to-door in those and then he won. We leave the rest to your wicked little imaginations.

In an effort to show we are fair and to save what is left of our measly, little NIU careers, we will reveal (drum roll, please) what kind of underwear we wear (and NO, not everyone on the NIU campus has seen them, Harper).

‘Editorial Wonder, goddess of all-knowing beauty and a damn fine minority Tinamarie Gonzalez—Underwear with this printed on it, “It’s called the First Amendment people, maybe you should read it.” Of course they are in silk.

‘Outgoing Editor in Chief, newspaper woman extravaganza and token blonde Sabryna Cornish—Okay, so they have the phrase, “Don’t mess with the press, we are, we are, we are The Northern Star” printed on them. And of course they are cotton and white.

Now that we have had our fun and embarrassed ourselves too, we must plead to the sense of humor of all those we have included in our column. PLEASE, don’t see to it we are flunked out of school, killed, maimed or butchered in anyway.