This Sunday in DeKalb, and across the globe, millions will tune in to watch the culmination of a year’s worth of hard work, tireless dedication and hundreds of millions of dollars – the Super Bowl commercials.

You may already know that Fox has refused to air an ad that featured Mickey Rooney’s bare backside (I guess you can show your butt only if you’re on Fox’s quality programming like “Married by America,” “Trading Spouses” or “Temptation Island”). But you may not know that as a highly trained investigative journalist skilled in the elite art of finding out top, top-secret stuff, I’ve gathered a list of other commercials due to play during this year’s Super Bowl. Among us experts trained in extremely technical NFL jargon, this list is known as “Super Bowl XXXIXABCLMNOP.”

As a journalist of the highest ethical caliber, I am duty-bound to share my findings with you, my loyal readers. Yes, both of you.

First Half:

Budweiser and Subway: In a stroke of marketing genius, Budweiser and Subway have combined their considerable resources. In this ad, a team of Clydesdales, being driven by talking iguanas in a hurry to get to the Bud Bowl, barrels down a narrow road. Meanwhile, just leaving his local Subway, Jared steps into the road and is trampled, dying gruesomely beneath the Clydesdales’ crushing hooves. “It’s okay,” says one of the iguanas, looking back, “We had Subway for lunch.”

Northern Star: That’s right, DeKalb’s favorite newspaper shelled out the big bucks. The reason? With so many national columnists now revealing they were paid by the Bush administration to promote Bush’s policies, we want our cut of the action. A sample: Iraq? Great idea. Tax cuts? Brilliant. Dick Cheney? Big teddy bear. A certain columnist – of the highest ethical caliber – has offered to split all profits with his editor, 50-50.

Male enhancement drug: Any of them. Because no one should go a whole year without hearing the disclaimer, “If an erection lasts more than four hours … “

Anonymous: Ten reasons why actress Natalie Portman should go out with a certain anonymous columnist from the Northern Star. He’s handsome. He’s sensitive. He’s mature. And I won’t treat you badly like all those pretty-boy Hollywood jerks.

Halftime: Former President Bill Clinton has offered to perform with Shaggy during his smash hit “It Wasn’t Me.” President Bush will lead the dancers, clad in his flight suit. Here’s hoping for no wardrobe malfunctions.

New SUV: The Grand Iroquois American Canyon Hummervee Supreme. It comes only in red, white or blue and is larger than your standard African elephant. Mileage is 4.7 mpg (2.4 highway).

Focus on the Family: Dr. James Dobson, who recently condemned “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” as promoting homosexuality, will propose a set of rule changes for the NFL to keep it from becoming pro-gay propaganda. Among them: the quarterback must stand at least 15 yards behind the center every play to prevent the appearance of “sexual impropriety.”

Fox: The new primetime lineup, including the shocking preview of a hot new Fox series soon to be criticized by Fox News pundits for corrupting our nation’s morals as part of the Hollywood liberal media conspiracy.

Another anonymous ad: Please, Natalie? I’ll call you. Every night. I promise.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.