In the aftermath of one of the worst natural disasters of our time, in the midst of the appointment of a new secretary of state and following the most pricey series of presidential inaugural events ever, it’s important to ask the really crucial questions. Why did Brad and Jen split up?? They were perfect for each other! And so well adjusted! I just wish the breakup had received a little bit of news coverage so the rest of us could have gotten a small inkling of insider’s opinions on the whole scandal. Oh dear, I’m getting misty-eyed just thinking about it. I have to go cry myself to sleep in a pile of this week’s issues of People, Entertainment Weekly, and Field and Stream.

But as long as we are keeping our focus on normal folks, let’s look back to our president. Can’t get much more everyday man than him, right? Wasn’t that one of the major tenets of his campaign, that he should be re-elected because he so well understood the common man, could relate to his problems, work an assembly line with him, rap with him, dance a hoe-down with him? And I know at this time of year, the most pressing question on the minds of all common people is this: How long will it take to raise 40 million dollars for a bunch of extravagant parties? Because quite recently, this key question and others like it, (“How many Secret Service Agents does it take to screw in a light-bulb?”, and “Would it be wrong to have my Cadillac DTS limousine ‘pimped’ for the processional?”) were on our commander-in-chief’s mind.

Now, as someone who enjoys a good fiesta, I can understand the desire to have a really great party. And, let’s face it, the slew of inaugural balls are really the only perceivable job perk for the president. The rest of the term it’s just work, work, work. I am not denying there have been expensive inaugural events in the past. I suppose we should be grateful that Bush (as far as we currently know) isn’t going the Eisenhower route and including elephants in his parade. If Bush sought to out-do that former president, he should just go ahead and allow those crazy misfits from MTV to select random members of his entourage to “Punk”. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Vice President, your security clearance badge doesn’t seem to be in our system, would you please step to the side? Mr. Vice President, there is no need for profanities….”

As for myself, I’m so glad I only donated $99,000 to the president’s inaugural events. That way, I spared myself an invite to any of the balls. The hottest ticket was for Wednesday’s Texas State Society’s Black Tie & Boots Ball. There, donors consumed 21,000 enchiladas, 20,000 quesadillas and 3,000 pounds of beef barbeque. Tex-mex. So classy. But at least the inaugural festivities are taking the people’s minds off of other, more traumatizing events. I’ll bet it’s Angelina’s fault the inauguration is costing this much, too.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.