In our current day and age, people have come to depend on the Internet for many things.

For some, it can mean checking the daily news. For others, watching the steady decline of their stocks and subsequently using Maps.com to locate the highest point of altitude suitable for a quick leap. And for other people, the Internet powers a life-saving tool: AOL Instant Messenger, a service without which, I’ve no doubt, many people would cease to find joy or happiness in life. But ha! I’m not going to gripe about the inherent absurdity of IMing! (Consider it on mental file – all those who utilize excessively cute ‘emoticons’ – your time grows near). The point I’m getting to, albeit not particularly quickly nor succinctly, is that other fundamental service the Internet provides: allowing us normal schmoes access to hundreds of prescription drugs without ever leaving our homes or having an actual prescription! Genius!

Soaring prescription drug costs have forced many people to consider other options, which often include obtaining drugs from Canada. Major drug companies have been scrambling to put a halt to such activities, claiming there is no way to ensure the safety of drugs purchased from outside the United States. One drug company, who has left an indelible humanitarian mark on the world with the development and release of a drug whose name rhymes with ‘Niagara.’ (What? Do you think I want a lawsuit on my hands? Do you think I don’t want access to Listerine, which works JUST as well as floss? Do you think I want to be denied my Tucks Medicated Pads? Geeez.) The company that released that drug ran a series of print ads warning the public against acquiring drugs from overseas. In its gentle, quiet, monopoly-holding prescription drug company way, it showed how drugs ordered from “Canada” could actually arrive at your door via much more scary locales, like Flint, Mich. or Venezuela. And not only could these drugs not be originating from our friendly neighbor to the North, they could be diluted, contain the wrong dosage or just be plain old cat ear medicine.

And yet, how can I not trust e-mails soliciting prescription drugs that have such great subject lines? These people aren’t illegal drug-hawkers, they’re poets! The world has yet to see a better use of adjectives: “Matchless Rx,” “Supreme Drugs,” “Exceptional Rx” and “Magnificent Rx.” I want to pause and buy some over-the-counter Zoloft right now, so wooed am I by these gems.

The people behind the e-mails appear equally trustworthy. Recently, I received a lovely note from “doreatha godoy” urging me to try a drug, the name of which was not disclosed. Actually, what my good friend “doreatha” specifically wrote was, “Hi Tlw_love, Taking the impotence drug with alcohol and food. I get a headache but it is worth it. Fifty mg on empty stomach seems to work best.”

Now, if that’s not the most solid, trust-worthy medical advice I’ve received in a long time, I don’t know what is. I’ve ordered a 150 mg doses. I just hope I don’t end up with more cat ear medicine.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.