5 tips to fight off ghouls

By Kevin Bartelt

You can’t catch a break from monsters these days.

They’re always under beds, hanging out in the closet or crossing your path in kitten form. Protect yourself by applying my advice.

Removing the bed frame makes it incredibly difficult for monsters to hide under your mattress. Sleep with ease knowing your bed is ghoul-free.

Remove bed frame

I’m constantly covered in sweat while wondering what’s under my bed. A zombie? An evil clown? My unsigned high school yearbooks? How could 300 people not have a pen on them for two weeks? I even handed out writing utensils.

This paranoid sweat about the flesh-eaters is getting ridiculous. Memory foams don’t work when they’re soggy. They feel like you’re sleeping in quick sand.

By removing the bed frame, you make it drastically harder for monsters to hide under there. If something spooky tries to hide under the bed, you don’t think you’ll notice the huge slump when the frame is gone? Good luck hiding under that, idiot.

Serial killers will have a hard time hiding in their favorite hidden spaces if you unhinge closet doors. Also, consider moving to a place that only has one door. 

Unhinge closet door

Serial killers must love a good pea coat or scarf because they just can’t get out of those dang closets.

Just go to Macy’s next time. Stop doing double takes when walking past closets and simply remove the doors. It’s going to be awfully hard for the murderer to hide there in plain sight. Studies have proven it is 100 percent easier to see people/objects in closets when there are no doors. It’s like replacing the door with a window, but instead of a window it’s nothing.

Garlic bread baseball bats are a deadly weapon when it comes to battling off vampires. When trying to fend off the vampires, hide behind doorways with your bat. Remember to swing first and apologize later.

Garlic bread baseball bat

Vampires hate three things: garlic, vegetarians and baseball.

This tip brings two of those hatreds to life, unless you’re a vegetarian, then you’ll hit a grand slam. Baseball terminology is so easy. The garlic bread baseball bat is a great weapon to keep handy. Prepare your best batter stance at the edge of a doorway and swing your life away at whoever turns the corner. Swing first and apologize later.

When you hit a vampire, the only person apologizing will be the parents who criticized your behavior for 22 years. Keep it in writing, dad.

Four-month-old Marla, who is available for adoption at TAILS Humane Society, 2250 Barber Greene Road, can prevent black cats from crossing your path. Puppies keep superstitious animals from tormenting your soul.


Miniature dogs, also known as puppies, are the perfect black cat deterrence. Puppies scare away black cats like Bartelts scare away facial hair.

These pups will have to take shifts because when they play with each other for 30 minutes, they’ll pass out from exhaustion. I recommend purchasing a litter, just to be safe.

Dish soap

Clowns are nothing more than scary, hellish-looking sadistic guardians of our children. That’s it.

Dish soap can cleanse them of their makeup. You’ll probably want to put the makeup back on them because the truth is far scarier than the lie. Applying dish soap to a clown’s face reminds those who are in the presence of a clown, or victims, that the clowns are nothing more than your neighbor who used to stand outside your window with a red wig and nose.

Too bad dish soap can’t clean up weird memories.